Saturday, April 27, 2013

Coming full circle in Life

Some memories keep popping back into my psyche from years ago. At times I can envision the scenario like it just happened, but mostly these experiences have been tucked away for so long.

While doing some research on Pluto in the first house with Virgo rising specific memories came to the forefront of my mind. Last year on the last day of school my 16 year old son got off school campus. The K-9 unit and helicopters were out searching for him. Suddenly today I recalled that I too had police and dogs searching for me when I was 16 years old back in New Jersey. In fact, it was Easter Sunday and I never made it home from roller skating the night before.

My son is a Cancer sun sign, which is also my moon sign. I've been delving into the Crab to get more insights for this sign, especially since my son is nonverbal. Moody seems to be the keyword.

As a teen growing up I prolonged going home until it was curfew. I avoided the home front because that is where the abuse and negativity took place. My Father never wanted me to forget that I had a disabled sister and we could not go on vacation because of that. Any complaints I had about my life and restrictions were met with comparisons to the life my sister was living.

Now my teen son due to communication and behavior issues hurts me in the process of getting his message out. When therapies take place in the home I get pushed and banged around. When he goes to school I cannot wait to get out of the house and away from this environment. I want to stop the therapy and just have a peaceful existence, but I need to toughen up and get this toilet training taken care of so that he can live in this society as independently as possible as he gets older.

My Mother acted like she was so embarrassed to be seen with any of her children, like we were beneath her. My natal chart shows that there was an important female figure in my life, which I view was my paternal Grandmother. She was the one who encouraged me to make something of my life.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Circumstances change your future plans and dreams

A change is on the horizon for my household, which has me thinking of all the changes that have led me to this point in time. My son will be turning eighteen in less than two months. Besides that major life event he is also going back to public school from doing online school for the last six years. We were concerned with bullying and thought since we did not like the Middle School options that he would try a safe alternative of online schooling. I held him back in first grade since he was doing special ed class in Kindergarten and first grade. When he went into general education I felt it was necessary to start at the first grade level.

We liked the routine and ease of independent learning. Some people confuse this with homeschooling, but that is not the case. This is California Virtual Academy. He has teachers with the parents considered the learning coaches. He wants to experience senior year at a brick and mortar school. The following year he will be entering either an autism vocational school or a community college.

I have gotten used to my son being home and helping out around the house and having lunch and watching the mid day news together. But I am also looking forward to having the house to myself during the days. For the last nine years I have been a home health care worker for my younger son Matthew. Basically I am on the clock when he is home.

I was a member of a special education committee through the school district for many years plus I served on the board as Secretary for two terms. The school district was to facilitate these meetings with the parents running the committee, but too many changes led me astray and uninterested in pursuing something further within the district as a parent facilitator or public speaker at venues.

My passion is for astrology, tarot, numerology and feng shui. I love working out and motivating others to challenge themselves. I am also interested in genealogy, writing and public speaking.

My natal chart always mentions poetry, mysticism, philosophy, writing, public speaking and music. I have high energy and prefer physical movement and action. For the past few years I have contemplated taking a year-long course to become a health coach. I will need to learn how to skype and get over that anxiety. I still think it is worthwhile a pursuit with an emphasis on the autism community as well as adding astrology into the mix as it plays such a key role in my motivation and goals.

I can pinpoint circumstances that changed the direction of my life many times. Back in Middle School I desired to work on Wall Street. I grew up in New Jersey and went for a field trip to the NYSE. I wanted to work on the floor and be a runner. A few years later in High School we took a trip to a Court House. We got to speak with the court reporter, which was another dream of mine. I decided I was not the type of person to sit inside a court room all day typing away.

I was not very interested in cheer leading, but did try out in the 8th grade, although I could never do a back bend. I was full of enthusiasm and energy but could not really control it. Eventually I got a baton and learned how to twirl it. I spent a summer creating routines with the intention of trying out for the high school team. When it came time to toss the baton in the air and turn around for some flip the lights distracted me and I dropped the baton. I did not make the team.

The following summer I taught my best friend how to use the baton and twirl so we could try out together. She made it and I did not, so there went our friendship since I saw her as getting my spot and my dream was shattered. If I had made the team either of those years my high school experience would have been so different.

As a result I ventured into roller skating and spent Friday and Saturday nights at the rink plus Sundays after church. I met my first real boyfriend there. A year later I was working after school and weekends at Dunkin Donuts where I met my next boyfriend.

When I got bad report cards I was hit with frying pans and hair brushes. One night after work I was scared to go home with my report card so stayed out all night with the boyfriend. That led to getting kicked out of home and having sex for the first time which resulted in getting pregnant. The nurse at school officially told me the day of the senior prom. I gave him up for adoption since the boyfriend and his family all pushed for it. I was under the impression that we would be getting married after he finished college and have kids. I lived with a foster family during the pregnancy. We parted ways a few months later.

A few years ago he sent me messages through classmates and facebook. We discussed in detail the experience from high school and the adoption process. It felt good to share my feelings from years earlier.

I wrote an essay online in 2000 on the whole experience and met many in the adoption triad. Last summer the birth son found me through Facebook in part due to that essay he read years earlier. He was given our names when he was eleven years old so he knew a lot about me through my online writings.

In the early 90s I was a recreational drug user and spent one weekend getting high with this guy who had previously been a neighbor. After work I roller skated over to his place to drop off a jar of vitamins as I was trying to help him stop his drug use. Instead of turning the situation around I jumped right into it. We ended up getting married that Sunday afternoon. He found some female minister through the yellow pages that practiced out of Beverly Hills so he rented some car service to drive us over there. It was like a scene out of a movie but I was really in it and not just watching it. I honestly thought after that event we would go back to our regular lives like it was a joke.

Later on that night when I went to leave for my own apartment he tried to strangle me, which resulted in the police coming. Turned out I was the lucky one because that was the same weekend that OJ Simpson murdered his ex wife. I was stuck in this crappy situation. He started showing up at my work so I got laid off and found out I was pregnant. He woke me up one night and slapped me over a phone bill so I went to the police the next day to do a citizens arrest. When we got back he was gone so I moved in with a friend to figure out what to do next.

My brother said come to New Jersey. I had left NJ in 1985 so here I was going back in 1994 to escape a madman with a criminal background. I called his parole officer to tell him I was leaving and make sure he did not allow him out of the State. He did the exact opposite and authorized his entry into New Jersey.

What ensued was a very high stressful pregnancy for me, including smoking and drinking. I lucked out that I got a job right away and met a neighbor that turned out to be a good friend for many years. I had to call the Hospital mental health department the day we left the Hospital because I was scared to leave the Hospital with that Man and did not know what to do.

Now that son is turning eighteen. To be continued .....