Sunday, March 27, 2016

A Birth Mother's Open Letter

I wrote this on Apr 11 '00 (Updated Oct 25 '00) on epinions, which no longer exists and this was found on so I am re-posting it here so I have it online under my name. The son I wrote about found this online and years later contact me via facebook on 8-9-12 and we met on 1-10-16 in Hollywood, California. He met the Birth Dad the day before in Santa Barbara.


I am a parent to two special needs preschoolers. I am also the Birth Mother to a son born 21 years ago. We went our separate ways at the hospital. I did not have a home to bring him HOME to.

I have lovely pictures of me holding him in the nursery. I have a locket with his picture that has been with me always. Not a day goes by that he is not on my mind.

So where does one begin when looking for a child they placed into adoption. I made a goal that once I turned 40 I would start a search. Well this month I turned 40 so this is my first attempt at my search. Getting my thoughts down and gathering the courage and strength to take it a step further.

I had the option of putting a letter in a file for him to read. Should I pour my heart and soul into a letter that would have to be read by an organization and how would I know this letter would get put in a file. If I waited eighteen years to find this out, I could prolong it a little longer.

I had to contact the hospital for the birth records since I had a C-section and in 1994 when pregnant, I was informed the Doctors needed that info to know what way the incision was made. I was like let’s just do another C- section. But with some luck, I did manage to get the records sent to the doctor and the delivery was successful the other way.

At the time of trying to gather the hospital records, I learned that I had the option of putting the letter in the file. But it was to be put in before the 18th birthday and that was approaching in a few months.

I felt that this was not fair to the child I was carrying for me to get caught up in the emotions of my first pregnancy. What if my son (I am using this for better lack of a word, and by no means do I consider myself to be his parent, I am his Birth Mother, he has parents) ended up getting the letter in a few months and then a contact was in the works. Here I would be with a newborn and with so much time lost already I could not handle the pressure to compose a letter in that short amount of time.

So this past year after he turned 21, just a few months later I got a Computer. So about a week later I found a community called Onelist now merged with Egroups. There are many lists there for adoptees, birth parents, siblings, and adoptive parents. We all share stories and search information. That is what I have been reading and hope to post my data there soon and also on an adoption board.

So the steps that need to be taken are, I have a name I gave him for the birth certificate, but he does not have that name and there is a non-id number given by Catholic Charities.

Does he know he was adopted, what type of family history is he aware of when it comes to his Birth Parents. Has he made contact with the agency and applied for the non-id? Does he know I was 18 at the time and just graduated high school. Actually I did not attend the ceremonies due to my pregnancy. Is he in college, and what are his interests? What qualities does he possess of mine? Does he have any special needs? Should he be made aware that Alzheimer’s runs in my family. I have two boys with Autism, should he be contacted due to Research data we are involved in.

Do I count him in the census? When people ask how many kids do I have, can I say three?

These are some of the questions I have and there are many more. The immediate questions to ponder are how do I start? Do I just post and wait? Do I hire someone and pay a fee? Do I sit and wait for the day his future wife will question about family history for the planning of their baby? Would he tell a prospective partner that he is adopted?

Do I send a letter or email when I know the name and town he lives in? What do I say when he asks me Why did you give me up? Do I tell him he was conceived after I got kicked out of the house because I stayed out all night in fear of being beat by a frying pan for getting an F in Spanish and Biology. We arrived at the boyfriend’s house to bring back the family station wagon, after sleeping all night in the car at the grocery store parking lot. I was informed then that my parents had been there and said for me not to come home. So I walked out the door and his mother said follow her and your out too. So he did. We were forced to find a place to stay and found a friend a few years older whose father was out of town. That is when he was conceived. We did not plan it, first time for both of us.

So do you want to know this or are you interested more in knowing how the pregnancy was, did you know I ended up in a foster family going from house to house each weekend because they were part of Marriage Encounter.

Do you know that my water broke and that is when I went to the hospital. Do you want to know about the traumatic experience I encountered with the nurses at the hospital because I was in a town not known for white girls to be in and the nurses harassed me for giving you up.

Maybe I will just tell you that the day you were born was a day in history for this country. Your birthday is the same day that John F. Kennedy died many years earlier. I was brought up in a Republican household and learned later in life about the Kennedy’s. I also watched for the first time while in the Hospital, Miracle on 34th Street.

I left the hospital alone but you were in my heart.